The Ghosts of Christmas Past

Growing up, Christmas was always such a mixed bag for me. It holds some of my sweetest memories, and also some of my hardest. It’s such a supercharged time of year emotionally for me as so many of these memories tend to make an appearance around the holidays.

Some of my earliest memories were at Christmas time. We didn’t have any furniture, and probably many other things that we needed, but I remember so vividly my parents getting me the thing that I wanted the most – a talking Cricket doll. It was one of the first of its kind and it has left such a lasting impression on me that my parents somehow made it happen! 

One Christmas, when my brother Johnny was around five years old and I was about four, he had a brilliant idea. He woke me up around two in the morning and told me Santa had come. Since we were both scared of the dark at the time, we turned on every single light in the house, and because neither of us could read at that time, we preceded to open every single Christmas present under the tree! We didn’t know whose gift was whose, so we just opened every. single. one. of them! You can imagine the look on my exhausted parents’ faces as they woke up to this nonsense not long after finishing all the wrapping and finally heading to bed. They picked us up by our pajamas, threw us into my brother’s room, and swiftly locked the door. That morning, when we woke up, every single present had been re-wrapped as if the incident had never even occurred. I don’t know how they made the magic happen, but they weren’t going to let us ruin Christmas for everyone else! As a parent now I just think of how crazy it would be to encounter my kids in the wee hours in the morning, with every single light on in the house and wrapping paper everywhere. I’m glad I’m still alive to tell that story! 

Christmas Eve was always spent at my Grandma Klinko’s house, which later became the Galloway’s (my aunt’s family’s) house, but they kept the tradition going. Once my parents got divorced, this became the most difficult night of the year for me. After spending the evening with my dad’s side of the family he would drop us off at my mom’s house for the night so we could spend Christmas morning with her. My mom always made Christmas really special, but it broke my little heart knowing that my dad was going to be alone for the night and the next morning. I am an ENFJ on the Myers-Briggs scale and that moment always made me feel all.  the. feels! 

Something that I am eternally grateful for about my mom in my younger years was that she had an amazing ability to take an ordinary moment and make it a magical celebration. Christmas was the time my mom would pull out all the stops. It wasn’t that she spent a lot of money, but she was amazing at making the atmosphere special with the lights, the music,  and of course the matching Christmas pajamas. Beyond that, just being around her was special. She just drew you in with her somewhat larger than life personality. My mom was really creative and quite resourceful at times, and she used to make various white chocolate creations and sell them around the holidays as a way of saving for our Christmas presents. She had chocolate molds galore, but on Christmas day she was essentially done for the season, so she would let the kids have at it. We would spend time trying to recreate my mom’s creations, but none of us would eat them because we all hated white chocolate! She was also really creative in that some years she would wrap each of our gifts with a specific color of wrapping paper or ribbon and we couldn’t know which were ours until she woke up in the morning and told us. One Christmas she even put firecracker poppers all over the floor outside of our door so we couldn’t sneak out and see the presents. Now that I think about it, I’m even more impressed that my mom had these ideas before the internet or Pinterest!

If my mom embodied Christmas spirit, my dad was, well, the opposite. Some years we would get a Christmas tree and some years not. Some years we would get Christmas gifts and other years he would tell us we weren’t getting any Christmas presents and then change his mind at the last minute. He was a man of his convictions, and although I appreciate that about him, it also makes it really difficult when you are a kid and you don’t know what to expect during a time that is so centered around traditions. My Dad really wanted to follow his conviction that Christmas was a pagan holiday and that we were going to have no part of it, but he also hated disappointing his kids. My dad was also very much a larger than life personality, which is probably why my parents couldn’t work things out. If there’s something to be said about my dad, it’s whatever he did, he did it all. the. way. I see my own reflection so clearly as I write about my parents – for better or worse.  

Christmas is supposed to be a time of cheer, but it’s not always full of joy for some. My heart goes out to those that are hurting this time of year. The last time I saw my mom before she passed was on Christmas. I wish I knew how little time she had left, but she was only 37 at the time, and who would have guessed? Although she was very sick the last couple Christmases we spent together, when I was a teenager I had no concept of time or mortality. “She’ll get better – we all get better when we’re sick.” I didn’t know that you don’t get better from liver failure. My mom didn’t really talk about her sickness much so I didn’t even know how bad it was, especially because we lived an hour apart and didn’t see each other often at that point. We can’t go back in time to change things, but I’m thankful that as I grow as a parent I get to see life through my moms eyes a little differently and I have far more understanding for her now than I ever could have at seventeen. (You can read more on growing with my mom here: My Glass Castle)

When things get crazy around this time of year, it’s important for me to realize what is truly important to me. I never want my kids to have to experience all the hurt and sadness that I experienced growing up. I hope that is every parent’s wish. Knowing that my kids get to grow up with parents that love them and love each other is a better gift than anything that they will ever find under the tree, and while I have the time, I’m going to make sure they know it!

It’s really so sweet seeing how faithful God has been to redeem Christmas for me by also giving me some of my sweetest, most life changing moments over the years. You’ll have to stay tuned for that post though! 

Thanks for joining me on this journey!

Jess